Your TV Licence number is:

[shuffle structure of this section as with Sharp Tools Vol 1 B2]

Sharp Tools Vol. 1 B2

put the needle

Mr S Mooney
196A Shrewsbury Road
E7 8QJ

01 February 05

Dear Val Smith,

I must admit that my surprise at your personally addressed communication has become overshadowed by my annoyance and alarm at its content.

"We have recently been advised that you purchased television receiving equipment in January 2005 from Dixons Stores Group. However we have no record of a TV Licence in your name at the above address."

I was not aware that my personal details, and the details of my transactions are being distributed as widely as this, in this manner, without my express authorisation. If nothing else your letter has 'raised my awareness'.

I notice that you have taken the liberty of issuing me with a TV License:
           "Your TV Licence number is: 2727350348"

sharp tools

I do not possess a television.

The item in question was/is not for my use, but was/is rather a gift – and so is no longer in my possession.

I take exception to the threatening tone of your letter, and great exception to the acquisition of my private information and the intrusion involved in that. I find it surprising that a public organisation such as yours can get away with such operation.

I heard it on the radio/

As it happens your communication has been curiously timed, as I am in the process of writing two long poems dealing with the increasingly invasive totalitarian and anti-liberal tendencies in our culture.

In this action of intrusion on your part the transference of your conceived words to the addressed and named seems licence enough for me to assume ownership of their content and re-use them, – their use in the first instance is implicatory itself in this – though not perhaps in the propagatory sense you (or the ill-conceiver involved) intended.

I heard it on the radio/

I have taken the liberty of including in this letter particular phrases of interest and concern, as you have taken the enormous liberty of contacting me and using my private information without my consent. In fact this letter as a whole is part of the first of the two poems mentioned, so you can assume all quotations are in use:

Dear Mr

confirm this by completing the section on the back of the payment slip and return it to us in the envelope provided.

so we can transfer it.

you must buy one straight away. The easiest way to pay is by Direct Debit – one quick phone call is all it takes – a choice of other easy payment methods is listed overleaf.

Don't risk being caught unlicensed.

Yours Sincerely,

< title deleted for security reasons >

Customer Services

What this licence allows:

* subject to the conditions overleaf

It is your proof you are licensed to watch television.

This license can be revoked or its terms varied.

You do not have to let them into your home without a search warrant.

Your TV Licence does not guarantee a good picture.

I heard it on the radio/
can't believe it/


I won't be including either you name or your digitally copied signature, as it seems inevitable that your directive in this is 'operating under orders'. (bless)

I shall certainly keep you informed of the publication date.

I shall of course ensure that is made aware of this particular practice of
unauthorised use/unjustified use/subversion/subjugation/breach
[please delete as appropriate]

of (private) data collection legislation.

It would appear that the following options are those your thoughtful letter would force upon members of the public who do, and who do not, possess an item pertaining to your particular perceived 'remit':
                       a) pay for all (such) items in untraceable cash
                       b) provide false identity particulars
                       c) subvert information gathering efforts at every occasion
                       d) maintain silence
                       e) keep on the move
                       f) a life of crime

[you see how easily that happened there . . . one for your Human Resources people]


As to:

"please let us know the address of the property where the equipment is to be used by writing to TV Licensing, Bristol BS98 1TL (you may then receive a visit from us to confirm the situation).",


I shall of course not be supplying/furnishing/fencing/soliciting you [Stazi fashion] with this unconnected/unnecessary/private/confidential data for your files/records/dossiers/profiles – your 'jurisdiction' does not extend that far.

You are perfectly welcome to send someone on a 'visit' to confirm that I do not have either a TV or the item purchased that you refer to, or any TV receiving equipment at all for that matter.
Be aware though, that I will not be taking time off either work, or my University commitments, to accommodate TV Licensing. I am frequently (but not always) home after 8/8:30 pm during the week, occasionally earlier.

Likewise, with regard to:

"If your details have changed please phone 0870 241 5167, or write to us at TV Licensing, Bristol BS98 1TL."

I shall certainly not be doing any such thing, as I have never furnished you with that information to begin with (!!) – and object to your acquisition of it in the first place – as I have pointed out, I do not possess a TV.

This approach you use is indeed the extension of totalitarianism through the minutes.

I heard it on the radio/

I heard it on the radio/

I heard it on the radio/

can't believe it/

Finally let me confirm categorically for you:

My TV Licence number is not : 2727350348

Yours in the gravest sincerity,

Stephen Mooney

alarm         slowdown/fadedown        alarm